Faking it...

 

In recent days, weeks, with the announcement of Simone Bile’s withdrawal from the Olympics for mental health reasons, mental wellness is once again taking center stage.  When I was a gymnast, nowhere near Simone Biles clearly, but in my own way and my own level of importance, it was for many years my entire life, and in ‘those days’, never had I  imagined that mental health would ever be a reason for not competing (not to mention actually admitting that it was the reason).  I mean, most of the time even physical injury wasn't enough of a reason, forget a mental one, besides mental abuse and suffering were almost considered a rite of passage for athletes.  No pain, no gain, right?

It makes me wonder why we attach less importance to things that we do not see, why physical injury seems justified whereas mental injury is somehow confused with weakness.  Someone with very bad PPD once told me that if she had lost a leg during her delivery, people would be more understanding towards her  pain versus what depression had done to her.

I think one of the reasons that how we feel on the inside has always taken a backseat to physical/visible injury is our ability to fake it for so long that when it does come out, it seems out of place, or without sense or justification; this is why something like what Simone Biles has done, which is stop before getting to that place, and in such an open and transparent way, is so incredibly admirable.

In a recent heated argument with someone, they accused me of being “fake” and only revealing my “true” self in fits of anger… not fun to hear, but I have to admit to some truth in it.  I’ve tried to slowly open up about the difficulties I was experiencing last year, and if I’m honest perhaps from long before that;  I got so good at faking it, that I’m not sure myself how long it was there or for how long I thought the best coping mechanism was to keep it secret, because if I could fake my way through it, maybe it would just go away, or if no one else could see it maybe it wasn’t truly there?  

As much as this made sense to me for so long, now when I write these words, there’s that big annoying gameshow buzzer that goes on in my head. WRONG!!!!  Isn’t it crazy that we can admire Simone Biles, Michael Phelps, Elizabeth Gilbert …. for openly talking about their struggles, people who some consider to be invincible, but can be so critical of ourselves for feeling the same way?  

I always thought I was not in that category of people who could be depressed, have a burn out, as if this is something I had control over; which I now realize is the same as saying, I won’t twist my ankle or hurt myself, no matter how many stairs I fall down.  Sure, there are things we can do to be stronger, more flexible, more stable so that when we do fall, getting back up is a little easier, maybe with a little less damage, but no one is fall-proof, and I think it’s great that we are finally openly admitting to that.

No more faking, but even more than no faking, is not feeling the need to fake it.