My Chi

A few years ago I wrote this: https://andreeavladan.blogspot.com.ar/2009/11/zen-ness.html about one of my first attempts at medidating, which took me from concentrating on the In’s and Out’s of my breathing to eating butter chicken… mmm butter chicken.

Here we are now 8 years later and I still haven’t quite figured it out; I've tried meditation sessions, yoga, bikram yoga, moksha yoga (yes a lot of yoga) but somehow the ‘clearing of my mind’ hasn’t quite kicked in.

Today’s version of 8 years ago’s butter chicken is something like this;  what am I doing with my life?  Yes I know it’s been quite a few months, but yes I still wonder whether or not I should be in Italy living the life I was supposed to live… with the person I was supposed to live it with?  Am I ruining my career by taking this time off, although I can say that I am doing many things useful for my career here but still it’s fun to stress, give myself heartburn and lose sleep over it?!!  Am I not too old for this life?  Why am I so confused?  What is happiness.? What is it I want?  How can I get it? …. And then yes of course Butter Chicken or Chicken Tikka; they are always on my mind.

I however have made some progress and have found one thing which makes it all go away, at least temporarily.  One thing which doesn’t answer any of these questions, which I suspect have no real answers anyway, they’re mainly there so that I can torture myself over all the roads not taken and the pressures of society (YAY for me!).  

So this thing, what is it you might wonder? And why does it work more than anything else I've tried?

Well, it’s actually quite simple, in order to do this thing, this thing I so desperately want to do, and do well; you have no choice but to be in the moment and not in 1000 different places eating curry.  This ‘thing’ makes you aware of every inch on your body, the position of your toes,  the tilt of your head, your center of balance, your breath, it makes you connect with another person.…

So this is how I now meditate