And then there are moments

It's no secret, or great revelation, that I love traveling, hence this blog and hence my entire life really.  Traveling has been my drug since the first time I got on a plane without my parents; I was 10 and my gymnastics team and I flew to Winnipeg for my first national competition; since that day I knew that traveling would always be part of my life.

I love packing; I love the smell of my packback (that Arcteryx plastic-key backpack smell); I love going to the airport; I even like waking up at ungodly hours when it means flying somewhere; I love airports and how they look early in the morning or late at night;  I love flying; I love getting onto a plane in familiar surroundings and getting off in what sometimes appears to be another world.  Traveling makes me feel alive in a way nothing else does.

Yes in general I love it all.... in general, but then there are those moments.....

Moments when you say goodbye to someone you've been traveling with for the past two weeks (with all the intensity that that implies), making you all the more aware of the fact that you are alone, and  you find yourself on a horrid 16-hour bus ride swirling through a rainy country side with time to think about everything; think about the conversation you just had with your mom who told you your dog was sick and although she didn't outright say it, she blames you for not being there with her; think about the fact that the last time you opened facebook you read a eulogy of yet another one of your friends' mom who died of cancer, a mom who was like an aunt to you growing up..... Then you arrive at your destination; a small, cold and lightless hotel room where the single bed you thought was such a good idea a few hours earlier now just seems sad.  And you sit there staring at this empty room which you've somehow convinced yourself  represents your life. You think about all the mistakes you've made; all the people you've hurt; the people who have hurt you; you realize that if something happened to you now, no one could help you; then you remember that a short year ago you had someone who would have been there for you forever but you didn't chose that route.... You realize that all this is a product of the choices you've made and you have no one but yourself to blame.... so you cry and try not to make your sadness turn into desperation (and watch a blurred Spanish version of X-men to try to get your mind to think of something else).

In that moment you feel as if the world has conquered you, when just a few days ago it was the other way around....and all you can do is live that moment with the same intensity you pride yourself on when living the other moments in your life......and take comfort in knowing that 'This too shall pass'.


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